Monday, January 31, 2005

Reflections...

yes...i am a loner. its really strange how i like doing things all by myself. i love watching movie alone, shopping alone, just walking around alone. last time i used to go eat nice food alone or catch a nice movie alone whenever i feel down. maybe i dont like being alone, but many years of living a bachelorette life has trained me to do things alone. and i dont find anything wrong doing things alone? why do people always give me that look when i say i watch movie alone?

but i love being with friends too....talking rubbish with them thru lunch or having our little bitching sessions or just sitting down and having a tete-a-tete( did i spell that right?) or going shopping together....(even amy and her 1hr shopping in watsons) its one of the best feeling in the world. just u and your girl friends having some chat. hahahaha...

but i still find myself a loner....i will tend to keep things to myself. its not that i dont wish to share with my friends....but its just that i ....hmmm...i have no idea....sometimes its just exploding in me that i have to do some crazy things or just cry it all out.....and did i tell u guys i cry real easily? yeah. i am a cry baby. i may not look like it but i can really cry~! hahahaha.....ironic that i can laugh at it eh.

friends....accquiantances are many but good/close friends are hard to find. really hard to find. in my whole life, i guess the only time where i had really good friends were in primary school. where we did small projects together, go over to each other's place. the friendship was so pure and innocent. but i lost contact with these friends. my secondary school friends were wonderful too....still keep in contact with them....have our usual outings(usually birthday outings) but i know that when shit happens, they will be there for me...(rite friends?) gosh....do they even read my blog?~! hahaha....

sigh...all i wanna say is that friendship bonds can become weak if no effort is put in. you can make new friends, but dont lose your old ties. treasure your friends. you may never know what will happen tomorrow. we became friends the moment our paths crossed. this is affinity and it is fate that brings 2 people together and also the same fate that tears 2 people apart. but whatever the future holds, i learnt that i must treat everyone around me well. no discrimination, no backstabbing(not that i do that), no bad gossips, no hurting remarks, no selfishness but selflessness and love. its gonna be hard, but im gonna do it. dear friends, if in any way i have been mean or hurting or did any acts of selfishness, i sincerely apologize for my ignorance and i promise to change.

i dunno what made me write all these. but im sure im writing it for a reason. maybe i've mature? maybe an angel just visited me? i dunno....i just feel like being a nice person (for the moment) i got this feeling that its gonna be a whole new story the next day when i wake up. but all u readers out there, be my witness. if any day i do anything to hurt anyway, i promise i will get it back two times worse.

sigh...dunno why but i keep writing and writing. loads of stuffs are running through my mind, but i cant seem to organize them and pen them down. this entry is going to be really long and incoherent. i, too, have no idea.

maybe its time i changed. i am too childish for my age. too immature. looking back at all my childish and selfish behaviour and all the hurts i've caused to the people around me, it just makes me regret real bad. i know i've ruined some people's life due to my past acts. i dunno what i can do to make it up. i just pray that everything goes well for those whom i've hurt. one guy whom i really feel guilty for is baillie. although i have no idea where he is now, hearing from his friends, im really apologetic for the hurt i've cause you. past few years, i've been trying to locate you. but you just seem so cold. now, i have no way for making it up to you. no way of apologizing. i feel so bad. really bad.

and ian, i may have been really unreasonable and mean. i really apologize for the way i acted. i acted as if i was the queen. i admit i acted like a tyrant. im sorry if i've made u tear, if i've caused your heart to ache in any way. if there is anyway to make it up to you, i will. you are a really sweet and nice guy and i really want to thank you for treating me so nice most of the time. but sometimes you say really mean things that is really hurting.

to my NUS girls, i love you girls so much~! you girls have really made a difference in my uni life. my whole uni life would be so empty and lost without you. thou the times we had are short, im really glad to have known you all. although streamed to different courses, im so happy we can meet up frequently(at least once a week). to me, meeting you guys is the happiest moment in NUS. its true...really really. its really coming from deep down my heart...:) i feel very blessed to have known you. i feel very blessed what God has given me. everyone, my friends, my family, my studies. although not perfect, but im grateful and i if i asked for more, i would be selfish.

i dunno since when i felt comfortable spouting vulgarities, but im gonna stop that. its vulgar. in the past, i would hesistate to say all these f***, s******* and stuffs, but today, when i couldn't find my notes, these vulgarities just came out naturally. and i feel disgusted about myself and how much i've changed.

its gonna be hard and near impossible feat to change overnight. slowly but steadily, im gonna change to be a better person, a better daugther, a better sister, a better friend, a better student. so dear everyone, please be patient with me.

wow, its already 2, i better go sleep. tomorrow its gonna be a long day for me...:D

Friday, January 28, 2005

CUTE GUY

sigh.....really sigh.....i regret so so so so much...if only i was crazy enough to ask him for a picture together...then at least i would have something to remind me of him....now, his image is slowly fading....sigh.....he looked so so so so cute~! but more importantly, i was mesmerized by his dance moves....it was just it.......almost perfect......the moment he started moving his body.....it was it......he was it. my eyes was glued on him for the whole performance......just adoring and admiring him.....after the funka, i quickly rushed over to look for him....to see how he looked...to see the face of a wonderful body....and *BAMB*.......it was it again...nice strong sexy neck....ooooh......*drools*

sigh sigh sigh.....the feeling of infactuation(did i spell that correctly?? well, i dont care if its wrong) is just coming back to me.....the last time i felt this way...was pretty long ago....sigh......i feel like a small girl, having a crush....hahahahaha....oh no~! what if i keep dreaming about him?~? this feeling is both exciting and frustrating.....

i really have this thing for guys who can dance.....and when i say dance....i mean real dance......like those *BAMB*BAMB* dance.....they really turn me on....i will really admire and admire and admire him......sigh....out of everyone today....HE is the only who who fits that criteria.......the others were....well.....nice dancers....i bet that yuki guy cant dance as good as him......

darn~! if i only took a picture with him...then i could have got a close up view~! damn damn damn~! if only he speak good english...not perfect english..but those english speakers....cos if he comes up to me and speaks in chinese, i will be disappointed.....its not that i am against chinese speaking guys....its just that i speak lousy chinese and i am attracted to guys who are eloquent (in english that is) i dunno why but chinese speaking guys = ah bengs? maybe cos those ah bengs in my secondary school spoke vulgar chinese...intimidating...hahahaha...

okie...back to my guy.....opps...im calling him MY GUY already....darn darn darn.....he look so cute.....okie...u all may think im mad.....and yes....i am feeling mad too.....i just feel like jumping around and screaming~1 hahahahaha...yeah...madness...hahahaha...

okies...got a chalet tomorrow.....so must tame myself down...hahahaha......*breathe in......breath out........*

okie....maybe a few days later, when i read this blog, i might think im a little over doing it. but now, i just feel like letting it all out.....argh~?!)*(&^%&$#@#$%^&*()_(*&^%$#$%^&*

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

update

hey hey.....yes, finally.....hahahaha....thanks to my friends' nagging, i decided to grace my own blog with a new entry~! muhahahaha....okies...thats that....i came online, to print my notes from IVLE. and guess what...of all days, it has to be down today~!!! when my laptop is only left with 40mins....yes. 40mins( my stoopid charger is in amy's room...oh forgetful me...:(...).....so im gonna make this a short one.

well.....summing up, i guess there are really too many stuffs to update. but im gonna share about this sisters bond thinggie. cos a few days ago, me and my sister kinda werent on good terms......(for fuller details, i will further elaborate in my later entries) but i was feeling kinda bad....and of all days, i wanted to apologize and make up to her by buying some potato chips home and offering sone to her.....i was thinking ...yes, im gonna be the first to break the ice.....then when i went home with the potato chips, i saw this GODIVA bag on my table with a little note....my sis asking me out for dinner this friday...:D and yes...with that...my yummy GODIVA chocolates....*slurps* i was pretty touched....and teared....but....i told myself cannot let my sister see my cry....*bleah* hahaha...so i just wiped my tears and ate dinner..hahahaha

Okay, thats that ...But the thing is.....me and her...wow....we felt the same thing on the same day....is that something called sisterhood? a few days ago, i watched the korean movie "MY BROTHER" and realised that a SISTER is someone whom you can hate and get all jealous over...but at the end of the day.....you know that she will be there for u....:)

i love my sister....when she cries, i cry....when she is happy, im happy...when i know my daddy and mommy are not there, she will be there...:D even if i dont get the best, i hope she gets them.....Thats how much i love her.....or rather thats how i feel SOMETIMEs....:P

okie....enough about sisterly stuffs........its already week 3 of school......must catch up~! this sem, im in the "must-study-more" mood...hahaha....im gonna study in school till pretty late .....(i will try to lah...:P) so girls.........come join okies?~!? if slacker ju kyung can do it.....so can u~! muhahahaha.....and for anyone else, if u wanna study together, give me a ring....:D

ok ......the batt low signal keeps appearing....boohoo